The voice at the other end

“hello” the voice at the other end said. It didn’t resemble any note of what remained in my memory as his voice. We haven’t been in touch so he didn’t obviously recognise my number or my voice.

“Hey Its me” I broke off, there not knowing how to continue this conversation. Was I to sound grim having the context in mind or should I attempt to steer clear from that memory.

“How you doing’ I asked, I knew he knew it then - why I had called. It immediately put him on guard, he had been fending off many like me in the past few months.

So the conversation continued with some pleasantries, till the time came to say why I had called. So I continued because this had to be said..”I heard about your daughter”, I stopped wanting to sense what he felt. But maybe he had mastered the art of wearing a mask for situations like this.

So I continued, letting him know that I only genuinely wanted him to know that he and his family will be in my prayers. “How did it happen?”, “when did this happen?” I left all of that for a later date, if ever.

Today was for him just to know, that maybe another person was praying for him too, that someone else was willing to do a deal with God to ease him off some pain.

So the call ended as abruptly as it started. My ordeal continued – that night as I watch my daughter sleep (who coincidentally is the same age as his) I often cast myself in his role and wept.

Even just the thought made me feel so empty inside. I felt like there was nothing inside me, just a vacuum waiting to be filled – I reached out to my daughter, held her closer, held her tighter wanting to fill my senses with her smell, her sleepy noises…I didn’t want to leave.

But not everyone has that choice…and that moment to leave is the toughest. Because that instant changes the present to the past, every touch to a memory, every smile looks more distant.

If you ever happen to read this I want you to know I am praying “May her soul rest in peace and may you soon find yours too”. 

Go Jack Go!!!

Go Jack Go!!!

Within a cast of perfectly created dishes, there was always someone who had placed his passion on a tray. Created something that his passion persuaded him to and not his better rationale self.

What is more important for an artist – to create what his passion beckons him to or that which  would rather get him much appreciation from critics? Its an oft seen battle that goes on in lot of our minds – the canvas demands an outpour of passion but the strokes betray every such emotion and create what a trained eye will like seeing. 

But Jack however is not yet ruined by this demon “the need to please”. And probably the fact that he is a 10 year old kid is has a lot to do with it. I am a big fan of this little big boy Jack that I saw on Junior MasterChef.  And it surely is easy to fall for him, he is a little gentle giant who stands tall with large innocent eyes & shaggy hair. He goes red every time his work is applauded and smiles straight from the heart.

Obviously every participant on this show is adorable, 9, 10, 11 year old kids who make devilish desserts, cook rabbit meat, make their own pasta…gosh..could put a lot of us to shame. Nearly each of these kids had perfected the art of culinary excellence to the T.

So what was so different about Jack – he is someone that I wish I had the courage to be EVERYTIME…

To try something new because I believe in it and not being scared of the outcome. Don’t sometimes all of us stop trying to do things differently because we have already mastered the art of doing things that are acceptable and maybe even appreciated?

Do we train our minds to create clones of acceptance and maybe in the course suffocating honest passion which keeps waiting for an opportunity to surface.

What I would give to be like that 10 year old…you Go Jack Go….keep that crazy passion alive to express your art in your own way.

The questions she asks me..

 She goes on non stop. Its questions about the ads on the TV, the food that is served, the people I talk to on the phone, the maids I crib about..there is a question for every occasion.

 Its only after she says her "gud night, Jai Shree Krishna, sweet dreams" and shuts her eyes is she done. Thats my 5 years and 3 month old daughter. All through my pregnancy, I read about stoking a child's curiosity and answering their questions. Never say "no", never sit them down with a "dont ask such questions"..

 So when my tiny daughter..just about managing a sentence or so started asking questions..I patted myself on the back and answered..well its been 5 years to the day and I am still answering questions..

 While her questions have not tempered down with time, my enthusiasm surely has..

 Off late the questions she asks have only gotten trickier to answer, its also made me realise that now is the time that as a parent I need to choose the path I walk on. Will I always have it in me to answer these questions or will I at some time choose the easier way of putting a stop to questions that make me uncomfortable to answer. Well, honestly I dont know - but I will try to walk this tight rope for long as possible. These are the questions that somehow as kids, we intrinsically knew never to ask. 

• Where does a baby come from?
• When will I have a baby?
• Is the navel more important than a vagina? (well this question happened soon after I thought it was important to teach her about her anatomy clearly and not refer to body parts by strange names.)
• If Dada is the oldest in the family, when will he die? How do I explain that this obviously does not work on the FIFO system
• Once people die what happens to them? this one I have already bungled up, since I told her that they are reborn as children in the same family. So when someone close in the family passed away a couple of years back - she wanted to know who they were reborn as!!
• On seeing a soap commercial on TV - why are Uncle and Aunty having bath together? water conservation I wanted to say.
• When she saw the prince kiss the princess on the lips  - she asked why cant mamas and babies kiss like that?

Another realisation, has been my inadequacy to answer questions with the apt information - and this I find easier to address thanks to Google. Which parent wants to feel intellectually inadequate in front of their child?

She asks;

• What causes tsunamis and can it reach our house?
• How are clouds formed?
• Earthquake kaise aata hain?
• Do all gods raise mountains? this was after consecutive tales of Hanuman and Krishna
• So if Radha is not Krishna's wife - who is she and why do temples not have his wife's pictures?

 Per se these questions dont pose any difficulty, but when you are speaking to a 5 year old - there is so much moderation, decoding and simplifying that you need to do in your head that it makes it a task in itself. 

Most importantly, children need answers which are black or white, they need to be yes or no, right or wrong, good or bad. The "grey" answers are yet not something that they can take as an answer.

But, Ira - i must say that every time you ask me something I learn a little bit more. What I dont know I find out (thanks Google), what makes me uncomfortable I learn to conquer, What I cant answer now, maybe completely I mark in my head as "to be answered later" and be as honest as I can in the present. But I surely dont want you to stop, I dont want to judge your curiosity as right or wrong.

So keep asking and I promise to answer it with sincerity for as long as I can.